Everything is different

Ever since I graduated from Cedarville, life has been different. I went through a period in my life where I seriously questioned the existence of God. I think really I was just mad at him. I was struggling with a lot of theoretical and philosophical questions about God. I’ like to think I’ve since comes to terms with them though. Although, I’m not confident in them nor have I been confident about anything since graduation. But now ever since I’ve moved to Atlanta things have been significantly bleaker.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Things that used to make sense don’t make sense anymore. I used to have goals, things I wanted out of life. I used to want a family, a farm house, and a ministry. I wanted to be involved with a church, provide service and put down roots. But now all those things seem very distant, unobtainable almost. Its more than that though. They seem ‘out of my scope’. Like they were some sort of dream that I woke up from can just remember bits and pieces of. They are far off and at this juncture I am contemplating if they are worth journeying to. Seems like the longest time I had been walking towards them and they had been getting closer but now they have tucked themselves off behind some distant mountain somewhere that I can’t find. See what I mean? Doesn’t make sense.

I used to thrive on connection. My heart used to be greatly encouraged by walks about the lake with Lizzy or long conversations in the dorm with Strawz and Pelz. At least I think it was, I’ve having a hard time remembering those days. At this late hour they all seem so hazy. Everything is oh so different. I used to get almost giddy at the prospect of just going to class and seeing people, connecting with them. I haven’t felt that way in a long while. I’ve met a lot of great people here but something is different. No connection. I kind of get the feeling that they all don’t really understand me and I don’t have any real interest to explain myself to them. And I feel like I don’t understand the people around me anymore. We’re all so different. I feel like I’m on a different page then everyone else. They are already in the middle somewhere reaching the turning point and I’m stuck in the beginning somewhere. No, it’s like I’m not even reading the same book.

I think I’m just lonely, I’m lost. But I don’t think I want to be found. All this stuff has made me ashamed and cynical. I don’t want to be known anymore. It’s very cyclical. Feeling lost leads me into greater cynicism which leads to greater separation. This is all making me hate myself very much. I don’t like what I’ve become.

I want some joy to come rescues me from this. To lift me out of this. Something that is not me, that is outside of myself. I used to think that God did this, at least that’s what I always told people. But the more reading, studying, and praying I do the more it seems I’m having a conversation with the walls in my apartment. See for me the question is not ‘does God exist?’ but ‘what does life mean?’. The first question has no meaning if the second one goes unanswered.

I guess I want what we all want; answers. I want to start making progress on the questions that I’m asking. I want to feel like I’m arriving somewhere. Like this all has meaning. That’s it, I’m searching for meaning.